Next steps.....

So, I'm done. 6 rounds finished. 6 rounds of hard drugs that left me nauseous, fatigued, weak and bald! However, this doesn't mean it is over. Cancer isn't cut and dry and if you have never had it or been close to someone going through treatment you may not know the complex nature of treatment. First, everyone's treatment plan is different. From the start, my treatment plan has been much different than others' treatment. There are so many factors to consider; progression, stage, where it is located, history, etc. I happen to have a history. This alone makes my plan different than others. So, with that said, "What is next?"

I have finished my 6 rounds of TCHP- Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin, and Purjeta. This was my plan for these 6 rounds. However, in three weeks I go right back to just getting my Herceptin. My drive to OHSU every three weeks continues. There is a tradition in many treatment centers that a patient rings a bell when they are finished with their chemo. I have never got to ring a bell. In fact, the part of OHSU I go to doesn't have a bell. Because, unfortunately many of us there will be visiting for a LONG time. So, I go back to my original treatment plan for my 1st cancer, my metastatic breast cancer that is estrogen positive. But believe me, I welcome that treatment over the full TCHP.  Herceptin alone comes with many fewer side effects. 

Surgery + Radiation- On August 23rd I meet with my surgical oncologist and radiation oncologist to decide which surgery we will be doing. I have many ask me if I will have a full mastectomy this time. Realistically, probably not. "Why not?" Well, when deciding my treatment, my doctors still go back to my original diagnosis from 2012- Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer. When you are metastatic, cancer cells have already spread into my whole body. They have left the initial site. Surgery may not get rid of the initial cancer cells that I still have. There is still the chance that cancer can come back anywhere. This is when they tell me that a mastectomy is not technically "medically necessary." Peace of mind for me, definitely! But not a mark of survival rate. So, realistically, I will have whatever is left of the current lump removed (Lumpectomy) and then radiation at the site. Again, I will know more on August 23rd. In the mean time, life goes on.

Life does go on. I have written about this before. You find a new normal; a tired, exhausting normal. Unfortunately, the normal this summer hasn't been all fun. Sick every three weeks with a few good days in between treatment. Those days of which I have taken full advantage of....A trip to NYC with my husband and a trip to the San Juan Islands with family. Ally did driver's ed. Evan has had soccer. Justin and Nick have gone to work and I have tried to relax on the good days. Here's to next summer being more of summer!

School starts in just a few weeks. So, now that my last treatment is done, that is where I begin to focus. I am actually a bit excited. It is always nice to get back on a schedule. I am excited to meet my new class and have fun teaching little minds. That is my happy...along with family and friends of course. 

So, I'm finished. But, not finished. 

That's all for now. I just wanted to give you an update. Thank you everyone for your continued support, meals, prayers and everything else! It means the world to me!

Strong?

Cancer is often a disease that lasts a long time. Unfortunately, this is my reality.  When I think back on this, I can't believe it has been over six years since my first diagnosis. I have learned to live with cancer and all that it entails. It has become a part of my every day life. I am a cancer patient. But I like to think that cancer doesn't have me. Yes it has driven my schedule as of late. And that is the odd part. Every plan my family makes needs to be scheduled around treatment days and the following sick days. Even when I finish these rounds of the "hard" chemo, I will still go back to my regular meds, my infusion of Herceptin,every three weeks. IT will still be driving my schedule.

So, how is this treatment?? Treatment so far is going as expected, so I am told. I have had 3/6 rounds. I am half way through. I receive Taxotere, carboplatin, herceptin, perjeta and a steroid dexamethosone. All these meds come with some pretty fun side effects...NOT! Treatment day I feel ok- tired but still normal. Day 2- headache, but can still function. I do come home with an on body injector of Neulasta, a med to help boost my blood cell count (it works!) I take it off 27 hrs after they put it on and meds are done.  Day 3- feeling worse vomiting, etc. I will skip details. .Day 4-7- just feel bleh, bleh, bleh. I never knew true fatigue and nausea until now.  It is a lot like morning sickness, but worse. Some days it is hard to function at all. I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep. And I have. And I have cried and asked why???  Also, my hands and lips are a bit numb on days 3-7 and one med makes me a bit dizzy. I can't taste food; my tastebuds are like when you burn your tongue on a hot latte! I have lost my hair and wear my wig out and about. But again, I live with it and know this too shall pass. And, it does! A week after I am beginning to feel normal again and can function. It is so weird how the body works. I have been able to go back to work after a week and function pretty normally, except for the fatigue that comes in the evening. No doubt because I work with 6 and 7 year olds all day. (They are busy!) But I love what I do and know that I need them as much as they need me. I do wear my wig to work. I am not ready for them to see me without hair.

People say to me"You are so strong.", "I admire your strength." etc. I have a hard time looking at it like this. I have difficulty thinking that I am stronger than someone else. Strong just is. I do what I have to do. Is there any other choice? I also refuse to give up. Don't get me wrong, the idea does cross my mind. Through this treatment I have had my moments where I feel like I just can't do it. I have cried. I have not wanted to get out of bed. But I do. I guess that is strength. But I am also willing to show my fear.

So, what is strong? I lost my aunt to leukemia yesterday. She was STRONG! She was a strong woman all her life. She was a true matriarch of her family. I was lucky enough to have her live behind me. She was like another mom to me. Losing her has brought on many emotions. It is hard to be going through this and have someone else lose their battle; especially someone you love so much. I know she was strong. She persevered through it all. I went and visited her last week. She wasn't ready to give in. She was still strong; bantering with us, putting my Uncle Jerry in his place when he said something silly to the dr. I am lucky to have been surrounded by many strong women. It is from them I draw my strength I guess.

My son had a classmate lose him mom just weeks ago to breast cancer. She was 42. I wish I had answers to why this happens. This mom was STRONG too! But it does make you think, why am I more worthy of life? There is no reason. I still like to believe it is what it is. And I know that I have a support system that is so great that nothing will stop me.

However, I must be honest, even amidst a loving family or a wonderful support system, cancer is lonely. Very lonely. No matter how strong and deep your support system, cancer is a journey that is taken alone. A journey I never wanted to take in the first place. But I also know that I can not go it alone and my support system means EVERYTHING to me! I feel the prayers and LOVE! And I know it is working!

So I am I strong?? Yes. I have strength. I gain this from family, friends, my entire support system and my faith. A favorite verse comes from Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will not be faint."

Thank you all for taking this journey with me and being my strength when I do feel weak. I love you all!

Me and Margo...my wig!

Bald is BEAUTIFUL!
(But you won't see me out like this!)

The World Turned Upside Down......again

Over spring break Ally and I went to see Hamilton. It was AMAZING! Now I can't stop listening to the soundtrack and singing every song in my head. The one in my head tonight is "Yorktown." (The World Turned Upside Down) And my world has turned upside down today. Because here I go again with a big battle. But in this scenario, I must be Hercules Mulligan because when you knock me down, I get the f**k back up again!

I went to meet my team today to hear what the next steps would be. First let me say, the PET scan did show that the new cancer has not spread. Good news! Really it is. 6 years ago I was told that my PET scan lit up like a Christmas tree. My cancer had spread through my whole body. So to hear this cancer was in one spot felt like a real win. My original cancer was stage 4. This cancer is stage 2. 

Preliminary talks with my oncologist led me to believe that we were going to talk today about possible surgery..a lumpectomy. However, I got way more information than I was prepared for. Nick and I were at OHSU for 6 hours! 6! We met with a surgeon (Dr. Pomier). Same surgeon as first time around. It was like a little reunion. I don't recommend these reunions. We met with radiologist, nurses and my oncologist. Lots of meetings and lots of information..new information

My new cancer appears to be a clone of my original cancer.  It is growing in the same breast.  However some of the markings are different. They are both breast cancer. Both cancers are Her2 positive. (HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2), which promotes the growth of cancer cells.) Anyway, the difference is my first cancer was estrogen receptor positive.  This one is negative for estrogen. Which in a strange way is good because it means that my endocrine or hormone therapy treatment is working and blocking the estrogen cells that fed my previous cancer. That one isn't growing. 

But now for today's surprise.  This new cancer needs to be targeted differently.  So, essentially,  I need to fight 2 cancers at the same time.  

Here is where my world turned upside down. I am in for some hard therapy.  On April 26th I will begin 6 rounds of an intense chemotherapy. Still one day every 3 weeks. But will have 4 drugs delivered. Not the one...or 2 if you count my pills. That will be until August. Then surgery. Then radiation. 

It will be tough. Things will change.  I will change. This is going to be a very different experience than the last 6 years. 

I am still figuring out particulars. That will come and I dont need to figure it out right away. I plan on working some, but taking off the hardest days. It is going to be quite the summer. I will keep you updated. 

Thank you my tribe. Thank you for your love, prayers and support. It means more than you will ever know.

Madonna 

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=%23&ved=0ahUKEwjU1bjIrrbaAhWLqlQKHV3_CZsQwqsBCDMwAg&usg=AOvVaw0VTJzWxrN8ZFOD4xbU2nov    (Caution some foul language)

Living Life with Cancer

I stumbled upon my blog again because of a Facebook memory. It has been very cathartic re-reading my posts about my journey at the beginning. I am now six years in and I can say I forgot about many of those feelings. I guess it's a lot like child birth, we forget the pain, but remember the joy. And yes there has been joy.
I started this blog 6 years ago to give me an avenue to vent....to share my story. I was good about sharing and then there became not us much to share.....until the last couple of weeks.

On March 19th I went in for my routine CT scan. No big deal. I have had many over the years. It has all become routine. Well, this one had different results. For the first time in almost 6 years,  I did not get a positive result. I have a new 1.5 cm mass that had formed. Why? We don't know. There is so much you can speculate on. So many questions that can circle in my head. Should I have stopped the other medication? Is that why it is back? Should I have done this? That? Why didnt I do this??? Then you tell yourself to STOP! It is what it is. I can't go back and change anything. Everything that was done in my treatment was done because it was right for that moment.

I think deep down I knew that this could come back at some point. I was stage 4, 6 years ago. I killed that cancer. I have already beat so many odds. And now I will again!

Last week, I had a biopsy done and it was confirmed that it is the same cancer. Invasive ductal carcinoma. Further tests will be done to determine what other "markers" there are.  It appears to be only growing in the breast. Near where the original mass was. That is all the CT scan showed. However, next week I will do the routine of 6 years ago....another PET scan to see if it us hiding in lymphnodes around my body. Possible MRI. More biopsies? But PET scan will really drive my treatment. I will meet with "my" cancer team next Thursday, April 12th to know which way we are going.

Through all of this I am "ok." I have nothing but hope that things will be ok. I have so much to fight for. My family! My kids! My job that I love! Life!  How long that will the fight be? I don't know. I have been doing this for 6 years, what's a few more.

As always, please send lots of prayers for healing and prayers for my family. The kids are older now. They understand a lot more.

Thank you my tribe! ♥♥♥


Isaiah 41:10   "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Scanxiety..

Scanxiety is just what it sounds like. That irrational fear a cancer patient or survivor has right before a scan. Will it be ok? What will it show? Did I take all my medication on time? What will I do if it is back? My last scan was clear. Completely clear. Yesterday I had another scan. It has been six months this time since the last. I have continued with my maintenance infusions every three weeks and I still take my daily meds. But...was it working? I have been extra stressed. "They" say you need to keep that in check too.

I have to say I was a tad bit nervous going in to yesterday's scans. All those irrational fears were there. I did go by myself. But don't feel bad. I have been going to this clinic for two years now. These nurses and MA's are like family. I don't really ever feel alone when I go by myself. It is an odd comforting feeling. And my nurses can calm my fears pretty well.

 I checked in early. I have learned since the last scan that nurses in CT can't really access a port well, so I now go upstairs to hematology (my family) and have my usual nurses access it. It rarely even hurts much anymore. Just a pinch. I went back downstairs and drank my 32 oz concoction of Portland tap water and whatever else it is like a pro. After an hour of sitting in a waiting room and chatting with a nice old couple, it was my turn. Deep Breath....

As comfortable as OHSU is to me now, I still am human. I still have some scanxiety (anxiety over having a scan, if you didn't get that). There is just something about laying in a large room on a table by yourself as the table moves back and forth through a big donut while a robotic voice says, "hold your breath", "breathe," "do not swallow". You just kind of melt into another world and relax and then in ten minutes I am done. Done..and now the waiting for the results begins.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long. Just a couple of hours later I got a call from my oncologist. Deep breath again. Answer the phone..It is Dr. Chui in his excited voice (YES!) "Ms. Underland! I couldn't wait til next week to tell you!"

Deep breath again..."Scans are clear. Still nothing there! I couldn't wait until your appointment to tell you!"
And let the breath out!

And yes my friends. I am relieved beyond belief.  God is good!

I still don't know how I went from stage 4 cancer two years ago to cancer free. Well, yes I do. Friends, Family and Faith!

I may sound like a broken wheel, but I will still continue with infusion every three weeks (Herceptin) and take my two meds at home (Femara and Tykerb).  Give me six more months and another clean scan and maybe my treatment will change. But why stop what is working?

Scanxiety?  I will probably have it again in six months when I have a scan again. But right now, I can get busy living..cancer free. Or is it living busy? Because life doesn't stop. It doesn't matter. It is life and I am CANCER FREE!

With A Little Help From My Friends!

I am not sure what happened here. I was having a whiny day and vented on Facebook with a picture. But thank you for everything.

I won't lie. It has been hard. The fundraising at first was amazing and lasted for a long while. But I am now almost two years in to this thing called cancer.  It is hard to continue down this road. It is an expensive thing. I have insurance. It covers most of it. But there will always be bills. I will be continuing treatment this year as "maintainence." Yes, the cancer is out of me. (Praise GOD!)  But with my type and the treatment chosen, it is a long road to ensure it is out of me and won't come back. Thus, becoming very expensive. Like I have said before it is like a chronic disease.

 Having Nick and Evan both have injuries last year that included surgery and months and months of physical therapy for Evan put us over the edge. I thought things would be great with me finally getting a job. Unfortunately, things just  caught up with us. My Honda sits because it needs extensive work that just isn't in the budget. We are a one car family right now. (But we are saving money on gas!) Christmas was minimal but wonderful. I now know first hand what it is like to be "served" with papers. Unfortunately, one bill got too far behind and the collevtions company served me with garnishment papers. That is one of the most embarassing things I have ever had to go through. I felt like the world was watching and that I had a deep dark secret all at the same time. I have hidden a lot from people, continued on. Because that is what you do. But at the expense of having my financial life ruined. Don't get me wrong, we have eliminated MANY things. But for my kids, I have tried to keep some sense of normal.  I know there are people out there who are worse off. Why do you think I still give to other things?  We can sometimes get caught up in our own problems and I think that is what was happening.

Again I am still amazed what has transpired in the last twelve hours. It is humbling to say the least. No one ever wants to admit they "can't" do it. But with friends and faith I know I CAN! Thank you! Thank You! Thank You! And I think I know my next karaoke song :)

"With A Little Help From My Friends"

What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day?
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)
No I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends

(Do you need anybody?)
I need somebody to love
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love

(Would you believe in a love at first sight?)
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time
(What do you see when you turn out the light?)
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh I'm going to try with a little help from my friends

(Do you need anybody?)
I just need somebody to love
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends
Oh I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=web&cd=5&cad=rja&ved=0CEgQtwIwBA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DEDOCY52H8VE&ei=-13IUvGjIcvzoATTuIKIAw&usg=AFQjCNFoN4zRi6M5Dc59ARFuVbIIYxqfbw&sig2=ftr13jCUeiZ_vXjPfeIddA



http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/help-the-underlands-kick-cancer-bills-to-the-curb-/122639

Pink is a color of Fall!

I have always loved fall. I love the crisp air. I love sunny fall days. I love the fall colors of red, orange, yellow, brown and pink! It is October. You know what that means.....fall, football, and Breast Cancer Awareness Month! I love pink in the fall. Sure it has taken away from decorating for Halloween a bit, but I will take it. Pink is my new favorite color and October is the month to celebrate that.

 This year I feel so much more at peace with this. Last year, I think I was still a bit reluctant to participate as a Survivor. I was still in the beginning..well 6 months in...to treatment. But now, with my diagnosis of no evidence of active cancer I feel that I want to let everyont know that it is Breast Cancer Awareness month! I am still here! I am still fighting! and I am a SURVIVOR! 

Next week, I have another scan to see how things are again. Am I nervous? Maybe a bit. But not as nervous as I have been before. But why wouldn't I be nervous? There is always that little bit of wonder when you go in. It is human nature I think to have a little self doubt. But I just tell myself that it is all good! It has to be. And besides I have conferences at the end of next week to take my mind off it. It is all in a day's life for me. Get up...take my cancer pills...go teach kindergarten...take my kids to soccer....make dinner....go to bed...wake up and do it all over again. That is my life. And then every three weeks I go have my infusion of Herceptin. It is a bit odd I will admit. I park at the end of where I take my students to the busses. Walk across the street to where I park on those Fridays and leave to go enter another world. The cancer, infusion world. I have to say, so far it has been welcomed. It is nice to just sit for that hour and relax. I bet that is a first. Someone thinking that an infusion is relaxing. But it is. I am forced to sit and put my feet up. Last week I had a cold so I got an isolated room with a bed. I laid back and enjoyed the quiet. Because just and hour before that I had been getting 24 kindergarteners packed up and out the door! But again..It is what it is! It is life. Yes, sometimes it is a struggle to know that I am still sick on the inside but looking fine on the outside. But mostly, it just makes me grateful and lucky that I can celebrate and walk around as a survivor.

Well, I just wanted to update a bit. Most of you follow me on facebook too so you know what is going on. But for those of you I don't see on facebook.... I am doing well. I am awake. I am alive and I am blessed......now if someone could just pay my bills it may truly feel like heaven.
That about sums it up!




 Portrait of me from a student! Pink of course!

Still rocking the pink tutu!


 LOVE!



 Still my reality every three weeks! But I still fight!


 And a Pink Ribbon for Breast Cancer Awareness month!

No Evidence of Active Cancer......But......

Why is it that each day seems to pass slowly, but when you look back you can't help but ask "Where has the time gone?"

 February 6, 2012 was one of the worst days of my life. "You have cancer."

 But, April 29, 2013 was one of the best.."No evidence of active cancer." Words really can't express how you feel when you hear that. I was actually a bit numb and at a loss for words..yep, I did not know what to say. Especially since I knew what was coming next. "Treatment isn't over"

That is one of the misconceptions with cancer. Just because the cancer is not active at this time, we don't stop treatment. And for me, and my type of cancer, means we don't stop treatment for quite awhile. In fact, we don't have an end date. We are in the maintenance phase. We don't stop doing what's working. We don't want those cells to grow back. In fact, I am writing this on my phone as I sit in the treatment chair.

 It is a whole different mind set at this time. Mostly, I do get a little ticked off. Especially since the outrageous bills keep rolling in. That is what pisses me off the most. Bill after bill. And some of the people aren't very nice when I call to make arrangements for payment. I am so grateful for all donated in the beginning. It kept us going. But with my medical bills, Nicks ACL surgery and now Evans injury, it is more than I can take sometimes. And we have insurance, I can hardly stand to think what it would be if we didn't. And of course we are middle class so the availability of aid is non-existant. And we know what teachers make, let alone a substitute. I don't have sick days to take. If I don't work I don't get paid. But enough of that.

 So, although I am elated that I have so far kicked cancer's a$$, It is bittersweet because treatment continues. But I will choose this, and all the side effects that come with it (the sores in my nose are the worst) because I choose life. But what I do know is that it is the cost that makes me more discouraged than anything. But I will do what I will continue to do, trust in the Lord. Trust that everything, including finances, will work out. So, I will just continue to repeat my favorite verse and all will be okay! "I am not alone for the Lord is with me." John 16:32

Happy Cancerversary :/

Well, here we are. One year later. Today is my one year anniversary of diagnosis. One year ago today, I heard the worst news anyone would ever want to hear. "You have cancer." My life felt turned upside down. I remember being so scared of the unknown. I was entering a new path of my life in which I had to give up a lot of control. I have said before how I don't like surprises and this one was a biggie! For the last year I have had to give up that control and just trust that what the doctors were doing and that all the prayers out there was working. 

Well, I can say with certainty that It Is WORKING! Although I am not completely free of disease, I can say that it won't be long until I am. 

At one point I never thought that could be possible. I was stage 4 just 12 short months ago. This cancer had metastasized to parts of my body in which it was not possible to cut it out. "Traditional" chemo did not work for me. My strain, type, etc. was resistant to many types of chemo drugs. So, I chose a non traditional chemo and decided to starve this cancer by eliminating from my body what fed it....estrogen. With removal of my ovaries and nine months of heavy drugs at home (Tykerb and Femara) and infusion of Herceptin, now every three weeks, I am starving this cancer right out of my body. 

As of my last scan, there was just a little nugget visible in the lymphnode (and I should add that there is still mysterious showings on my spleen). But, this cancer is leaving town. And that lump in my breast, IT IS GONE!!!!

It hasn't been just me going through this, however. Sure, I am the one with the aches of an 80 year old. I am the one with the hot flashes of a menopausal woman, and the unmentionable trips to the bathroom. But it is my family that has gone through this too. And my huge support system of friends and family that have prayed for me, brought my family food, taken my children to practice. And most of all my husband who has been there and cried with me. 

My journey isn't over, but we are getting there. I have to change my mindset now and realize that this is a chronic disease that I have. Much like diabetes or MS. I have to live with it every day and fight to make myself better. I live with the side effects of the meds because that is just how it is. I eat healthier (try to) because this is what is working. 

So keep following me, because I am not done. I have more to do. I will rejoice the day my scans finally say NED (no evidence of disease) But until then, I will keep on going, because there just isn't any other choice. And I will keep singing my song..courteous of Kelly Clarkson..because "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and this cancer definitely has. 

surgery day

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

And a few pics of the last year.....

A bunch of crazy people walking in the rain for me! 

my MOPS ladies! A fun reunion!

my niece Emma in her "Aunt Donna Shirt"

Someone I barely know walking in my honor

Zumba!

my Vegas Family!

9 months

I can't believe it has been nine months since that awful day of my biopsy. Nine months today. It feels so long ago, and yet it feels just like last week. So much has happened in nine months. There have been many ups and downs in these nine months. Good days, bad days, and just days. I now it has been a long while since I have posted anything. and believe me, I have been scolded for this. But life was going on. Summer came and went. School started. I am working (subbing) again. Soccer season is almost over. And now, just like that, it is November. Twenty days until Thanksgiving. 53 days until Christmas. But really, I don't want to think about that. I am focused on November 21. I will have another scan. The last scan I had was promising. The cancer was no longer visible in the chest and neck lymph nodes. But still very prominant in other lymphnodes. I am still going to chemo infusion every three weeks. And, I take my tykerb and femara daily. I have now added aleve to my daily drug intake. My meds are making my joints ache like arthritis. I look like I am 80 every time I get up. Most days I am doing alright. Aside from the fatigue that hits about 7:00 every evening. I get through my days. But with that said, cancer  is overwhelming and I want it to go away. I didn't ask for this. So, why am I the one going through this? Why am I the chosen one? I can ask myself these questions over and over again, but I doubt I will find the answer. I like to just say it is what it is. That has been my motto for many things that have ever gone on in my life. I am not complacent, or in denial. When a hill comes along, I climb it. When a struggle comes along I deal with it. There is no room for a pity party. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments. But they last just long enough for me to get the angst out and then deal with it. Is there any other choice? So, I have done just that..gotten over my moments and keep living life. Keep going to soccer games. Keep taking care of my family. Keep on going.

When I keep on going, I am busy. Busy with life. I didn't think I had much to say. Truth is, I wanted everything I say here to be inspiring. I haven't felt like I had much to say that was inspiring and that others would want to hear. I actually received an email from someone I didn't know. They had been reading my blog and were concerned that I hadn't written in awhile. Then a couple of other emails came. Some calls from some ladies at church. Another card in the mail from someone saying they were thinking of me. Then, I realized, there were more people invested in this, my cancer, than I thought. So, here I am. Back and letting you know how I have been. And all in all, I can say I am doing well...or as well as expected. In fact, to see me, you wouldn't even know anything was wrong. I don't look the part.

Cancer is a funny thing and people expect you to look and be a certain way. You see, I still have my hair. I guess I am the lucky one. And believe me I have heard this many times. "You still have you're hair. You are so lucky." Losing your hair seems to be the mark of cancer. Well, I don't do things normally. So, that's not my mark. I haven't even lost any weight. On the contrary, I am puffy and have awful nails. But my skin is looking good. I have to say it almost makes me feel guilty walking into the infusion center because I just don't look the part. But like "they" say, you can't judge a book by its cover.

Well, I hope to add more posts more often. And thank you everyone for thinking, praying, and worrying about me. It is humbling. I truly know I couldn't be going on without you. And Thank you God for watching over me and my family! Thank you!


"The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
                           Psalm 121:8





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Short but Sweet :)

Oh happy day! 

We all know the words to this song...

Oh happy day, Oh happy day
When Jesus washed
Oh when he washed
He washed my sins away

He tought me how
to watch, fight and pray
fight and pray
Oh happy day, Oh happy day
When Jesus washed
Oh when he washed
He washed my sins away

We´ll live rejoicing
ev´ry day, ev´ry day
Oh happy day, Oh happy day
When Jesus washed
Oh when he washed
He washed my sins away

Yes, We all know the words to that song. In my head I am singing the Sister Act version. It is a happy day. 

I went to my oncologist yesterday. Things are promising. Although I have not had a complete scan yet, it appears that my treatment is working! The lymph nodes in my neck and the largest one in my arm pit feel visibly smaller. YAY! So, I will take the endless hot flashes, headache, nausea and tiredness if it means that we are killing this cancer!

I will have a complete PET and CT scan in July. But for now I will lean on this hope! All the fightin' and prayin' is working! Just like Jesus taught me!

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,And with my song I will praise Him. Psalm 28

Thank you Lord, Thank you Jesus, thank you everyone who is praying and fighting with me! Let's keep it up!

Keep on keepin' on!

Well it has been a few weeks since I last posted. Nothing has happened and so much has happened all at the same time. I'm still here. I am still hanging in there. I have a few more cuts on me. I like to think of them as war wounds. Since this is a battle I am fighting.

I know it has been awhile, 42 days to be exact, since I have written anything. I don’t really know why. There is a lot going on in my head, but I just haven’t been able to get it all out. And although I haven’t written anything here, I have been able to talk it out and vent with some dear friends. But I think too, I needed time to just be in my head. I needed the time to retreat into myself and just think about all that is going on. I needed “me” time.

I needed time to think. Cancer is overwhelming. And it is not just the fact that I have a disease in my body that I could potentially have for a very long time, but everything that goes along with it is overwhelming too…..the good and the bad. It is such an emotional roller coaster of everything. The actual disease, scheduling doctor appointments, going to said appts, surgery, infusion, recovery, being present for my kids, trying to just keep moving on in a normal way, the outreach and support from others, answering every one’s questions and educating them on my decisions, taking well meant advice, going on with life, going to sports games, paying bills, new bills, and really just figuring it all out. It is overwhelming just writing it all.

I know I have a lot of support. That is very evident. But when I go to the doctor and sit in that room, or when they poke me for the hundredth time, or when I am talking to the lady from the utilities trying to explain why the bill will be late, it is just me. I know that usually someone (Nick) has been physically with me. But it is still me and my cancer. This damn cancer that has changed my life. I can get mad about it. I can retreat into myself and wallow for a bit. BUT, I also know that it is what it is. Then, I snap out of it, and remember that the support of friends and having God on my side is all I need. But, I still have to remind myself of that.

I am a giver not a taker. I am the one who takes the meals and runs the race. So, having everyone do so much for me lately is hard for me. I am very grateful. Because honestly everything that has been done…the walk, raffle, auction, zumbathon, pampered chef parties, reunions, meals, etc. has truly helped me and my family. And for that I am truly appreciative. It really is still hard to believe that it is being done for me, but I have learned to accept the help and I am trying to feel worthy.

So where am I now in my treatment? Well, I am doing a hormone therapy right now. (Not hormone replacement) I had surgery April 11^th to remove my ovaries. Why? To stop the flow of estrogen in my body. My cancer is fed by estrogen, so we are starving this cancer. I have had three chemo infusions. I take a daily dose of a heavy drug called Tykerb(lapatanib). And I also take Femara (letrozole). Another drug to stop the production of estrogen in my body. I’m going this route right now to try and get the cancer out of my lymph system and chest wall. Hormone therapy tends to cause fewer and less severe side effects than traditional chemotherapy. But it is not without side effects. I am very TIRED. My energy level drains quickly in the evening. I visit the bathroom a lot for various reasons. I don’t sleep well. I have hot flashes galore. I have headaches and sometimes blurry vision. And on and on. Luckily,(and my rainbow)I have escaped the awful side effects for now. I still have my hair. Although, I do notice more on my hair brush, and I do not have the horrible rash that the Tykerb can give you. But I am not counting it out yet. Other therapies such as radiation and other chemotherapies are not ruled out. We are just going this route for now. A surgery for mastectomy is about a year away. So I get to carry these melons around for a bit longer. I am in this for the long haul.

I have learned a lot these last few months. I am learning more about the different types of cancer and just how individual cancer can be. This is more than I ever thought I would know about breast cancer. Yes, it is overwhelming, and I really do know that I am not going it alone. I am still in awe of all the support that is there. But, if I don’t tend to write all that much, it just means I am thinking. 

So for now I am going to just keep on keepin’ on. 

Quote Book Pic

Mother's Day Gifts!

Here We Go!

Well spring break is over and we are on the down hill slide to summer. This spring break went pretty well. It was a successful "stay cation." I took the kids to OMSI, played miniature golf, went shopping at a few malls and Nick took kids to the mountain. We ate out entirely too many times, got to see how wonderful life can be with so many people to love and support us and will literally walk in the rain for us, saw Wicked, had sun for Easter and had my first treatment. All in all a good break.

Except for the treatment part.

Just when I think things are feeling normal, something with this cancer reminds me that "normal" has changed. And this first treatment was a little rough. I received my first dose of herceptin through IV. Granted it isn't the knock down drag out hard core chemo that some receive. But, it is still pretty hefty stuff. And of course, I got all the joys of some side effects that only happen to a small percentage.....like sweats, chills, fever, nausea, and other unmentionables. But the worst was the headache that lingered for a few days. I don't function well with a headache. They say the next dose should be better as the first dose is like triple strength. I go back for that in a few weeks.

In the meantime, I go in tomorrow for my oopherectomy and port placement. Oopherectomy is a big word for having my ovaries out. (got to stop that estrogen!)And the port placement will make my future IV treatments easier so they don't have to constantly be finding a vein to stick. Unfortunately, it will be just another constant reminder of the cancer I have. I considered not doing it. But the pros outway the cons here. It will just make some things easier. Who knows how many IV treatments I will need down the road.

That's about it. I have so much to say but my eyelids are heavy. I will just leave with this..... Isaiah 12:2 "Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

You can't have a rainbow without rain......

You know the old adage "When it rains, it pours." Well, that is how I feel sometimes. Especially living in this soggy place we call the NW. But really I wouldn't have it any other way. You see, we get a lot of rain, as many of you know. But because of this rain, we get to live in a place that is green all year. We have the most beautiful days of summer. Our early fall days are so pleasant, you can almost see the leaves changing in October sunshine. And in spring, yes it is spring now, when we get a break from that rain, we see a rainbow as the sun shines brightly on the blooming flowers and trees. You know you have all seen this. You've smelled the fresh cut grass (and then sneezed) and then smiled. It is because of all this rain that we have really do have glorious seasons here in the NW. It is what makes living here so wonderful. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.


When I was in high school I was part of a Catholic Youth Council. We met every few months in Seattle. We didn't see each other often but when we did we always started our meetings with a weather report. Well, just like outside, it has been raining in my life quite a bit lately too. And although, I thought it was pouring in February, the rain is coming down a bit more right now. I have had some partly cloudy days and some partly sunny days. (If you are from the NW, you know the difference). Today, partly cloudy and rain.


I will admit some days it gets really hard to wait for that break in the sky. We just want a little sun to shine down. It is very easy to get wrapped up in the solemn feeling that a gray, rainy day can bring. Sometimes, it is hard for me to not feel this way emotionally. I have had a few real rough days or moments because as you know our weather can change so quickly. Some days have been great. I have gone to work. Had a great day, but just come home tired and so emotional I just want to sleep...or cry. A few times it has been both. It is just so important for me to go on as usual to the best of my ability. I don't know sometimes if this is strength or denial. But it is living and that is what I want to do. 


This cancer has made me feel hope and feel helpless all at the same time. I am not always in control. This I found out pretty well recently. There is definitely some sunny patches in these gray days.  I still can't believe the number of people who are supporting me. I am in awe of the support page, the offers for help, the fundraising and everything else. I have truly appreciated everything. Especially words of encouragement. It is through all of this that God is reminding me that I am not alone. Proverbs 27:10 says "Better a neighbor nearby than a brother faraway." Well, I am lucky to have both. Neighbors near (and that includes Castle Rock) that I know will truly be there. And since many of you know I don't like surprises or asking for help, you did all this with out me. It is still hard to accept why and feel worthy of it all. I think because I have felt pretty normal so far. But after today I know that I will definitely need support. Because I can admit I have no idea what to expect form this cancer.


You see, I went to my oncologist today. I have been taking the tamoxifen for about a month now. The side effects haven't been too bad. Mostly hot flashes that come at the most inopportune times, like in line at Fred Meyer or at Evan's basketball game. But I had hopes that this drug would help shrink these tumors. Well, that appears to not be the case. I now have swollen nodes in my neck and the swollen nodes in my axilla (arm pit) and tumor in my breast are swollen to the point of it constantly aching. This estrogen in my body is fighting hard, enlarging not shrinking and apparently spreading to other lymph nodes. I knew there was a possibility of this. Things just haven't felt right. But I wanted to wait and get confirmation before any "freak out" commenced. 


So, I am ready to fight. Nick and I agree we need to be aggressive with treatment. My oncologist agrees too which is good. So, we are stepping things up a bit. Going forward with ovary removal, starting the IV therapy Herceptin next week. Changing drugs to one called Tykerb. Which is an aggressive drug for cancers like mine that over express HER2 (a growth factor with a big name that basically means my cancer promotes or encourages the growth of more cancer cells). And hopefully we will stop this estrogen from feeding these cancer cells and starve them. This drug will also come straight from the doctor as pharmacies don't carry it. 


Anyway, today I received a shot of Zoladex in my abdomen to begin shutting down my ovaries. The irony here is (and men stop reading if it is too much) is that I started my monthly yesterday. Yes, Aunt Flo is here for a visit. But hopefully (and here is the rainbow) this may be my last menses...ever! That will be weird, but I could do without it.  I had a chuckle with the nurse about this before she stuck me. At least I was numbed with lidocaine before the very sweet nurse Lena put the long needle in. Then I didn't feel anything. I sure wish lidocaine was always available for cramps. (She got quite a chuckle from this too). It was nice not to feel anything in my lower abdomen for awhile. But that didn't last long. 


ANYWAY,


What lies ahead? 


In the next month, I will have two more surgeries. One to remove my ovaries and one to place an IV port so they don't have to stick me every time. My IV therapy will consist of sitting in a chair for 2-3 hours having drugs pumped in my body every couple weeks and I will begin the new drug Tykerb. Then, if in 6-8 weeks when I have another scan, it better show these things shrinking. If not, we will discuss chemotherapy at that time. 


So things are still looking a bit cloudy but definitely some sun breaks and rainbows ahead. Just need to hope for the best and ride this out. Even Noah rode it out. All those rainy days and nights. But he saw his rainbow and I will too :)




"I have set My rainbow in the clouds." Genesis 9:13.

Attitude of Gratitude

As you may know, this last month has been a life changer for me. My emotions have truly been all over the place. Fear, sadness, anxiety...


But I have also felt love, warmth, thoughtfulness and immense gratitude. Here are some things I am grateful for.

• My family- Obviously. From my husband, my kids, my brothers and sisters to cousins I haven't talked to in years. I am grateful for everyone of them. Nick has wrapped his arms around me (literally and figuratively) and just made me feel loved and I truly could not be without him. We have been together for 20 years. Married for 14 (15 in July). I wouldn't know life without him. My kids have been great through this. They all have handled it in different ways but since it is not as visible to them yet, I think they are taking it all in stride. Just normal days in the Underland house.

• Facebook-  Yes I am grateful for Facebook. It has allowed me to be in touch with so many people. What a wonderful invention Facebook is. Sure it has its quirks, but what doesn't. And for all of you who have left me a message on FB, I will get to responding. (now I know what fan mail is..lol)

• My network of people- And I have realized in the last month how big this network is. I have felt love and received messages from people from all stages of my life....childhood, highschool (oh wait those are the same).....college, young mom days, MOPS, softball, Seattle peeps, Vancouver peeps, PTA, church, and the list goes on. But none has been more prominent in my life this last month than my Castle Rock family. And not just my blood family. They (Kristi, Tessie, Barbie, Dianna, Pam, Lisa, Jenny...and many others) came together for me and have done some wonderful things that will help my family out tremendously through all this. I don't think I could ever say thank you enough. I had a hunch something was up. But never to the extent that they have taken their support. T-shirts, sweatshirts, walk/run, bank account. I had tears streaming down my face when I came upon the Facebook support page. It was very hard to accept and realize that this was all for me...FOR ME! But Kristi said it best when she said to me, "Ain't it great being from a small town." And yes it is! Castle Rock was/is a great place to grow up and the people there are my people.....Oh wait another song....."These are my people, this is where I come from, We're givin' this life everything we've got and then some......It ain't always pretty, but it's real. It's the way we were made, wouldn't have it any other way, THESE ARE MY PEOPLE!" (For the full version, look it up..Rodney Atkins..and yes it is country.)

• A flexible work schedule (and the kids I work with)- I am grateful that I am a sub teacher. I have complained a bit because I really want my own classroom. But here is probably a reason now that I haven't gotten that yet. I am grateful that I haven't had to call in to work sick or find my own sub for all these appointments. I don't need to explain when I turn down a job. And when I have worked lately, it has been with my kindergarteners. The ones I love. They bring such joy to my life and I don't mind runny noses and tying shoes. I love that they get so excited when I come back to their class. 

• Birthdays- Ally and I both had a birthday on March 10th. It was a weekend of fun. It started with the Lorax movie, a slumber party (for Ally), shopping with my sisters, dinner with my family and karaoke with my friends. I couldn't have asked for anything better. 

• The power to say NO. I do not come by this one easily. But it is a given right for all humans to be able to say NO. I have taken a step back from some previous responsibilities (that I put on myself) and although I don't like to...I have said NO. I'm finally realizing that I can say NO and be ok with it. I don't have to do everything. 

• Life- I am grateful for every day I have. I'm not trying to be sinister. It is just truth. The thought of death has crossed my mind. The fear is there. But right now I have life.

So, thank you to everyone and everything making my life a little better right now. Because with all the things going on in my head, it is nice to know that someone has my back when I feel like I just can't do it.  For this, I have an attitude of gratitude. (and FYI...that is a song sung by Jimmy Buffet on a kids CD called Thanks and Giving)

Stop...Look....Listen

I told you I like songs. And there is always one playing in my head. Today.....

"Going out of my mind these days, Like I'm walking 'round in a haze, I can't think straight. I can't concentrate."

Those are the words from a song by Diamond Rio. "Beautiful Mess."   Those words really sum up how I felt the last month. And the last 24 hours haven't been any different. 

Last night I was so much in a state of confusion. Nothing was going like I had planned. I didn't understand. I was lost. Fast forward 12 hours, a shaky night's sleep and a morning alone, I am ready to embrace this..I think.  I have stopped to think about this, looked (on the internet of course), took a call from one of my doctors and listened again to what they say.  I am beginning to understand this approach. And what a beautiful mess I am in.

It still sucks that I have this chronic disease called metastatic breast cancer, but the endocrine therapy approach is quite favoring.

  

Here are some things I found....

Endocrine therapies slow or halt tumor cell growth. Most endocrine therapies inhibit tumor growth by depriving the cell of estrogen or blocking its receptor.

Hormone therapy stops the effects or production of the female hormones estrogen and progesterone. Produced mainly in the ovaries, these hormones stimulate the growth of breast cancer. Medical oncologists may recommend hormone therapy to prevent breast cancer from growing, especially in my case since my cancer cells have receptors that attract estrogen and/or progesterone. 

This kind of sums it up...Why I am going with this therapy........

Trials comparing ovarian ablation (removal) with or without tamoxifen(Drug information on tamoxifen) to CMF-type chemotherapy (cyclophosphamide, methotrexate(Drug information on methotrexate), fluorouracil(Drug information on fluorouracil)) suggest that the endocrine therapy is equivalent to or better than just chemotherapy in women whose tumors express estrogen and/or progesterone(Drug information on progesterone) receptors. Endocrine therapy with ovarian ablation (removal), tamoxifen, or the combination is also useful in the metastatic setting in premenopausal women. (This is me in a nutshell)


Herceptin is an example of a monoclonal antibody used to treat breast cancer. The antibody is given to some breast cancer patients who produce an excessive amount of the HER-2/neu protein on their breast cancer cells.  (That is me) Herceptin works against HER-2 /neu on the surface of the breast cancer cells and prevents the breast cancer cells from growing and dividing.Herceptin can be given alone or in combination with chemotherapy. (Right now we are going it alone and will look at chemo later)


Well, I will bore you no more with scientific details. But, I am in a Beautiful Mess. Cancer is a mess. But I have the opportunity to try something that will stop the growth of these cells with minimum damage to my body. At least that is how I am feeling right now. I guarantee there will be more freak outs, confusion, and I will probably still be walking around in a haze for awhile. That, right now, is an understandable given.


So, I am going to finally go take a shower and then go fill my prescription. Because I need to get this show on the road and make sense of this Beautiful Mess and get myself on the road to recovery.

Where do we go from here?

Where do we go from here????? That's a good question. Just one of the many I had going into my appointment today at OHSU. Where do we go? How do we get this stuff out of me? When will we start chemo? When will I have surgery? How long are we looking at? I had so many questions. I was going to ask all of these questions. We went in with a list. (Nick's list was much bigger than mine.) I had so many things I wanted answered. However, none of these questions were answered. Or at least not answered the way I thought or had prepared myself for. You see this cancer of mine is persnickety. It wants to do it's own thing. So, although I walked into that appointment confident that I would be leaving with a treatment plan to rid this from my body, we walked out heading in a completely different direction.

My cancer has spread. I knew this from the additional biopsies I had and my scar on my neck is my reminder.  Nonetheless, it is still breast cancer. But now we are calling it metastatic breast cancer, Stage 4.  It is not in the lungs, bones or brain. However, it is traveling in my body. And the cells they biopsied from my chest wall ( near the lungs but outside the breast) were the same as the tumor in my breast. Whatever, blah blah blah. It is breast cancer.

So, Dr. How are we going to get this out of my body?

Well, unfortunately, we may not get it out of my body. But, we will treat it and hopefully kill it. But to do this, with my type and location of the cancer, we need to take a different approach.

 Endocrine therapy first. No breast surgery right now. No chemo right now. Take oral medications...tomoxifen at first.  Have IV therapy with a powerful drug called herceptin. And have my ovaries removed. We want to kill what is feeding this cancer....estrogen!

Huh? What was that? No surgery? You are not going to cut this cancer out of me and get rid of it?

Basic answer, not now. We could go in and cut the tumor out, and the lymph nodes closest to it. But the cancer has already spread and what is fueling it is estrogen and the source of these are my contaminated ovaries. So...we are going to suffocate the cancer cells by starving them. No more estrogen to feed off. And this estrogen is coming from my ovaries, so let's take those out. This of course will put me into early menopause...with all of it's wonderful side effects.

Look at it like this....your yard is full of dandelions. You could get rid of just one dandelion, but the seeds have already spread. Just cutting that one plant is not going to rid your yard of dandelions. And although they don't appear harmful, they really suck the life out of your lawn. You need to treat the whole lawn, to get rid of the dandelions and all the weeds. That's what we are looking at....treating the whole me.

Coming to this decision is very surreal. On one hand, I feel a little lucky that I won't be going through a major surgery or chemo right now with all the nasty side effects, like losing my hair. On the other hand, this isn't because I am lucky. If I could cut this stuff out, go through the chemo, lose my hair, have a rough year and have this be gone. I would. However, mine will be a slower process. I can't cut all the cancer out of me. And that makes me mad. I have to walk around with this cancer in me and have it die slowly as I starve it. I will still have many of the side effects like chemo. The one benefit.... I won't lose my hair. But I am still going to be tired, nasueous, etc. Only I may look like everything is going fine.

My doctor was very honest in telling me that I can get this to a place where I will lead a very normal, long life. But we need to get there. And the road is long. My cancer is a chronic disease. Much like diabetes. I have to treat it to keep symptoms at bay.

This is just so hard to fathom. How can you not just get rid of it? Everything I prepared for told me that the process goes surgery, chemo, radiation, remission. But now, I have a whole different approach to think about. This new approach means I have to trust that this will work. Trust that all will be fine. And it will....I hope.

I do need more than hope. I need some control. So, I am going to meet with a nutritionist. Meet with a naturopath doctor. And try to supplement my treatment with a whole body approach to wellness. I think this is why I like OHSU. They aren't just about western treatments. They are a Center for Health and Healing. They are willing to seek treatments that are conventional and alternative. I will take the medications and find other ways to treat myself as well.

This all relies on trust. Trust in the doctors. Trust in my strength. Trust in others. And just as I was realizing that this evening, I opened a package I got in the mail today. It was a new devotional titled "Jesus Calling." I turned to March 1 and here is what I read...

"When something in your life or thoughts makes you anxious, come to Me and talk about it. Bring Me your prayer and petition...... Though the lessons of trust that I send to you come wrapped in difficulties, the benefits far outweigh the cost. Well-developed trust will bring you many blessings, not the least of which is My Peace. I have promised to keep you in perfect Peace to the extent that you trust in ME."

Trust. I hope to get there. But right now, this is a whole new approach to fighting this cancer that I need to process and take to prayer. And I am just here....not all the way there....yet.



"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God" ~ Phillipians 4:6

Closer I Am to Fine

I love music. All types of music. Although I tend to land on country, my radio stations are constantly changing. I always have a song in my head. I will hear someone say something, anything, and it automatically triggers a song. Sometimes I accidentally sing it out loud. Lately, I've had the Indigo Girls in my head. "Closer I Am to Fine." 

And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountainsI looked to the children, I drank from the fountainsThere's more than one answer to these questionsPointing me in a crooked lineAnd the less I seek my source for some definitive
Closer I am to fineCloser I am to fine
This song has so many memories for me. Mostly my college days. Singing with Fr. Pat at Search retreats, dorm parties, Bumbershoot, my girlfriends. But as I listen to the words again, realize it's more than a song to sing around a campfire. 
This has been a rough week. Maybe that's why I haven't written much and maybe that's why I keep singing this song in my head...keep reminding myself that all will be fine. And although I am only in the pre-game warm ups of this stuff. I am getting a little closer to fine. I have a few more answers, but also many more questions.
So, Tuesday, Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, I spent the day at OHSU. I joked on Facebook that I was revealing the tata's and hoped I would at least get some beads for this. Alas, they did not have any. But when I came home there were beads on my door...from my team. 
Tuesday was a long day. I had a biopsy done on the upper axillary lymph node that is farther away from my lump. This was much like the other I had. They just use a local anesthetic and use a needle to get some of the lymph node out to test. This appointment lasted a few hours and then I had the appt to meet the thoracic surgeon who would be doing the procedure to test the chest lymph nodes. 
This doctor finally took Nick and I to the computer to show us the PET/CT scan reports. The solution they inject via IV when you do these tests makes the areas light up. Well the nodes in my axilla (armpit) and the lump in my breast were very bright (a 9 on a scale of 1-10). But the nodes in the chest were quite dim compared to the others (only a 3 or 4, the dr said). I found this quite hopeful. They had many questions about where I have lived, did I smoke (NO!!!) etc. They were trying to make a suggestion of what these could be showing up, if not cancer that had spread. We went over the procedure and the details for the next day......
I would be sedated completely under general anesthesia and they would use a bronchial scope and endobronchial ultrasound to get to the nodes that were in the chest to take samples for biopsy. A pathologist would be in the room and test them right away. If they were positive, they would stop and procedure would be done. They would know the cancer had spread. If negative, they would try to reach the nodes farther in my chest. However, to reach the nodes that are farther in my chest wall, they will have to make a small incision at the base of my neck in order to get the scope in. So I could wake up with an incision. I actually took this as a good sign because if I woke up with an incision that, in theory, would mean that the nodes were negative and they were just double checking. Hey, I'm a teacher. I want people to double check. I send kids back all the time to check their answers. Anyway, I was prepared. 
Soooo, Wednesday, Ash Wednesday. I was fasting like any good Catholic would do. Ha ha. I had to. I was scheduled for noon, but they called us in early. This is all a hurry up and wait game. We were at the hospital by 9:30. We got back to pre-op pretty quickly. Nick was able to stay with me there, but it was noon when they took me back for my procedure. And that is all I remember until I woke up at 4:00. I do remember them saying they were going to give me something and then that was it. Not even any counting this time. 
I slept for 4 hours. And all I can think is how agonizing this must have been for Nick sitting in the waiting room. He actually didn't get to come back to see me until 6. I was still a little out of it. And the anesthesia made me a little nauseous. I was talking with the nurse when he came back. The nurses were constantly asking all day, "what procedure was I having, blah blah blah." I didn't want to keep repeating it. But that's how they know if you are coherent. So this time, as the nurse was asking about my procedure I felt my neck and said "Looks like they made the incision. That's good. Because it means that it probably didn't spread." It was at that point I saw Nick and he just shook his head. This was the first moment I realized that I was looking at something more serious. 
We went home. I was still out of it. It was so hard for me to have my kids see me this way. I am sure I did not look good. Nick had to help me walk and I had a three inch bandage on my neck. Evan came to hug me. But instead of his huge, tight hugs I normally get, he just barely put his arms around me. That was a little heart breaking for me. For the next few days, he would be hesitant to come near me. All I could think, was I hope that this isn't how it is going to be. This was only the first time. Honestly, I can't even remember what Justin and Ally did. I just went to sleep. Got sick some more. Went to sleep. Got sick. And finally went to sleep. 
The next day,  Nick got the kids ready for school. I went downstairs. They all gave me little hugs...still not the big ones I am accustomed to. Evan kept asking, "Is it ok?" Ally wanted to see the incision. And Justin was very doting. "Do you want some water?" "What can I get you?" He is growing into such a great young man. 
My sister, Pam, came to spend the day with me so Nick could get to work. We had a good day of me dozing and just talking about "things." I finally said it to her that I thought the cancer had spread. We cried. Then started talking about everything else. I liked it like that. 
Later that evening, I had Nick tell me everything from the day that I missed. All the calls the doctors made to him while I was in surgery, the dr coming to meet with him and take him to a consultation room to tell him what they had found. I imagined something right from ER here. Dr. Green talking to Nick. But I felt so bad that I couldn't be there with him.
And yes, the cancer has spread. Then why did they do the incision anyway? I knew the answer, and again as a teacher, I am glad they checked their work. So, I now know that we are looking at Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Of course this is "according to the papers." I am glad I know, so that they can form a treatment plan for me and get me closer to fine.
The last few days I've tried to go on like everything was ok. I think everyone could tell that I was a little off. I went to the PTA board meeting, went to book club on Friday night (I had to hang with my "old sames"), went to softball coaches training on Saturday morning and sold Girl Scout cookies with Ally. I want to continue without having to disrupt things that are going on. But, I didn't quite feel right. I have been reading. And I know this is normal to feel this way. But honestly, I wish that life could be normal. But I guess this is our "new" normal.
Fast forward to Sunday night and my bandage is off. My two inch incision is exposed. Evan isn't so scared and I get the biggest hug from him when I tuck him in. Justin is still careful and hugs gently and Ally asks if she can touch my incision. I love her. 
I think this week will feel a little more like regular normal. We have a packed schedule, basketball practice, softball meeting, Girls Scouts, Justin's technology group, church, and other things. It is all par for the course in our life.....Except for my Thursday appt at OHSU. That is the "new" normal. But it is at that appointment that these doctors can give me a treatment plan that will get me a little closer to fine.