Wednesday, April 9, 2014


Scanxiety is just what it sounds like. That irrational fear a cancer patient or survivor has right before a scan. Will it be ok? What will it show? Did I take all my medication on time? What will I do if it is back? My last scan was clear. Completely clear. Yesterday I had another scan. It has been six months this time since the last. I have continued with my maintenance infusions every three weeks and I still take my daily meds. But...was it working? I have been extra stressed. "They" say you need to keep that in check too.

I have to say I was a tad bit nervous going in to yesterday's scans. All those irrational fears were there. I did go by myself. But don't feel bad. I have been going to this clinic for two years now. These nurses and MA's are like family. I don't really ever feel alone when I go by myself. It is an odd comforting feeling. And my nurses can calm my fears pretty well.

 I checked in early. I have learned since the last scan that nurses in CT can't really access a port well, so I now go upstairs to hematology (my family) and have my usual nurses access it. It rarely even hurts much anymore. Just a pinch. I went back downstairs and drank my 32 oz concoction of Portland tap water and whatever else it is like a pro. After an hour of sitting in a waiting room and chatting with a nice old couple, it was my turn. Deep Breath....

As comfortable as OHSU is to me now, I still am human. I still have some scanxiety (anxiety over having a scan, if you didn't get that). There is just something about laying in a large room on a table by yourself as the table moves back and forth through a big donut while a robotic voice says, "hold your breath", "breathe," "do not swallow". You just kind of melt into another world and relax and then in ten minutes I am done. Done..and now the waiting for the results begins.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long. Just a couple of hours later I got a call from my oncologist. Deep breath again. Answer the phone..It is Dr. Chui in his excited voice (YES!) "Ms. Underland! I couldn't wait til next week to tell you!"

Deep breath again..."Scans are clear. Still nothing there! I couldn't wait until your appointment to tell you!"
And let the breath out!

And yes my friends. I am relieved beyond belief.  God is good!

I still don't know how I went from stage 4 cancer two years ago to cancer free. Well, yes I do. Friends, Family and Faith!

I may sound like a broken wheel, but I will still continue with infusion every three weeks (Herceptin) and take my two meds at home (Femara and Tykerb).  Give me six more months and another clean scan and maybe my treatment will change. But why stop what is working?

Scanxiety?  I will probably have it again in six months when I have a scan again. But right now, I can get busy living..cancer free. Or is it living busy? Because life doesn't stop. It doesn't matter. It is life and I am CANCER FREE!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

With A Little Help From My Friends!

I am not sure what happened here. I was having a whiny day and vented on Facebook with a picture. But thank you for everything.

I won't lie. It has been hard. The fundraising at first was amazing and lasted for a long while. But I am now almost two years in to this thing called cancer.  It is hard to continue down this road. It is an expensive thing. I have insurance. It covers most of it. But there will always be bills. I will be continuing treatment this year as "maintainence." Yes, the cancer is out of me. (Praise GOD!)  But with my type and the treatment chosen, it is a long road to ensure it is out of me and won't come back. Thus, becoming very expensive. Like I have said before it is like a chronic disease.

 Having Nick and Evan both have injuries last year that included surgery and months and months of physical therapy for Evan put us over the edge. I thought things would be great with me finally getting a job. Unfortunately, things just  caught up with us. My Honda sits because it needs extensive work that just isn't in the budget. We are a one car family right now. (But we are saving money on gas!) Christmas was minimal but wonderful. I now know first hand what it is like to be "served" with papers. Unfortunately, one bill got too far behind and the collevtions company served me with garnishment papers. That is one of the most embarassing things I have ever had to go through. I felt like the world was watching and that I had a deep dark secret all at the same time. I have hidden a lot from people, continued on. Because that is what you do. But at the expense of having my financial life ruined. Don't get me wrong, we have eliminated MANY things. But for my kids, I have tried to keep some sense of normal.  I know there are people out there who are worse off. Why do you think I still give to other things?  We can sometimes get caught up in our own problems and I think that is what was happening.

Again I am still amazed what has transpired in the last twelve hours. It is humbling to say the least. No one ever wants to admit they "can't" do it. But with friends and faith I know I CAN! Thank you! Thank You! Thank You! And I think I know my next karaoke song :)

"With A Little Help From My Friends"

What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day?
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)
No I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends

(Do you need anybody?)
I need somebody to love
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love

(Would you believe in a love at first sight?)
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time
(What do you see when you turn out the light?)
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh I'm going to try with a little help from my friends

(Do you need anybody?)
I just need somebody to love
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm going to try with a little help from my friends
Oh I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends

Friday, October 18, 2013

Pink is a color of Fall!

I have always loved fall. I love the crisp air. I love sunny fall days. I love the fall colors of red, orange, yellow, brown and pink! It is October. You know what that means.....fall, football, and Breast Cancer Awareness Month! I love pink in the fall. Sure it has taken away from decorating for Halloween a bit, but I will take it. Pink is my new favorite color and October is the month to celebrate that.

 This year I feel so much more at peace with this. Last year, I think I was still a bit reluctant to participate as a Survivor. I was still in the beginning..well 6 months treatment. But now, with my diagnosis of no evidence of active cancer I feel that I want to let everyont know that it is Breast Cancer Awareness month! I am still here! I am still fighting! and I am a SURVIVOR! 

Next week, I have another scan to see how things are again. Am I nervous? Maybe a bit. But not as nervous as I have been before. But why wouldn't I be nervous? There is always that little bit of wonder when you go in. It is human nature I think to have a little self doubt. But I just tell myself that it is all good! It has to be. And besides I have conferences at the end of next week to take my mind off it. It is all in a day's life for me. Get up...take my cancer pills...go teach kindergarten...take my kids to soccer....make dinner....go to bed...wake up and do it all over again. That is my life. And then every three weeks I go have my infusion of Herceptin. It is a bit odd I will admit. I park at the end of where I take my students to the busses. Walk across the street to where I park on those Fridays and leave to go enter another world. The cancer, infusion world. I have to say, so far it has been welcomed. It is nice to just sit for that hour and relax. I bet that is a first. Someone thinking that an infusion is relaxing. But it is. I am forced to sit and put my feet up. Last week I had a cold so I got an isolated room with a bed. I laid back and enjoyed the quiet. Because just and hour before that I had been getting 24 kindergarteners packed up and out the door! But again..It is what it is! It is life. Yes, sometimes it is a struggle to know that I am still sick on the inside but looking fine on the outside. But mostly, it just makes me grateful and lucky that I can celebrate and walk around as a survivor.

Well, I just wanted to update a bit. Most of you follow me on facebook too so you know what is going on. But for those of you I don't see on facebook.... I am doing well. I am awake. I am alive and I am if someone could just pay my bills it may truly feel like heaven.
Hope your day is great , Thanks for spending it with me :)
DJ Danny DwyerThat about sums it up!

 Portrait of me from a student! Pink of course!

IMAG1217.jpgStill rocking the pink tutu!


 Still my reality every three weeks! But I still fight!

 And a Pink Ribbon for Breast Cancer Awareness month!

Monday, May 20, 2013

No Evidence of Active Cancer......But......

Why is it that each day seems to pass slowly, but when you look back you can't help but ask "Where has the time gone?"

 February 6, 2012 was one of the worst days of my life. "You have cancer."

 But, April 29, 2013 was one of the best.."No evidence of active cancer." Words really can't express how you feel when you hear that. I was actually a bit numb and at a loss for words..yep, I did not know what to say. Especially since I knew what was coming next. "Treatment isn't over"

That is one of the misconceptions with cancer. Just because the cancer is not active at this time, we don't stop treatment. And for me, and my type of cancer, means we don't stop treatment for quite awhile. In fact, we don't have an end date. We are in the maintenance phase. We don't stop doing what's working. We don't want those cells to grow back. In fact, I am writing this on my phone as I sit in the treatment chair.

 It is a whole different mind set at this time. Mostly, I do get a little ticked off. Especially since the outrageous bills keep rolling in. That is what pisses me off the most. Bill after bill. And some of the people aren't very nice when I call to make arrangements for payment. I am so grateful for all donated in the beginning. It kept us going. But with my medical bills, Nicks ACL surgery and now Evans injury, it is more than I can take sometimes. And we have insurance, I can hardly stand to think what it would be if we didn't. And of course we are middle class so the availability of aid is non-existant. And we know what teachers make, let alone a substitute. I don't have sick days to take. If I don't work I don't get paid. But enough of that.

 So, although I am elated that I have so far kicked cancer's a$$, It is bittersweet because treatment continues. But I will choose this, and all the side effects that come with it (the sores in my nose are the worst) because I choose life. But what I do know is that it is the cost that makes me more discouraged than anything. But I will do what I will continue to do, trust in the Lord. Trust that everything, including finances, will work out. So, I will just continue to repeat my favorite verse and all will be okay! "I am not alone for the Lord is with me." John 16:32

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Happy Cancerversary :/

Well, here we are. One year later. Today is my one year anniversary of diagnosis. One year ago today, I heard the worst news anyone would ever want to hear. "You have cancer." My life felt turned upside down. I remember being so scared of the unknown. I was entering a new path of my life in which I had to give up a lot of control. I have said before how I don't like surprises and this one was a biggie! For the last year I have had to give up that control and just trust that what the doctors were doing and that all the prayers out there was working. 

Well, I can say with certainty that It Is WORKING! Although I am not completely free of disease, I can say that it won't be long until I am. 

At one point I never thought that could be possible. I was stage 4 just 12 short months ago. This cancer had metastasized to parts of my body in which it was not possible to cut it out. "Traditional" chemo did not work for me. My strain, type, etc. was resistant to many types of chemo drugs. So, I chose a non traditional chemo and decided to starve this cancer by eliminating from my body what fed it....estrogen. With removal of my ovaries and nine months of heavy drugs at home (Tykerb and Femara) and infusion of Herceptin, now every three weeks, I am starving this cancer right out of my body. 

As of my last scan, there was just a little nugget visible in the lymphnode (and I should add that there is still mysterious showings on my spleen). But, this cancer is leaving town. And that lump in my breast, IT IS GONE!!!!

It hasn't been just me going through this, however. Sure, I am the one with the aches of an 80 year old. I am the one with the hot flashes of a menopausal woman, and the unmentionable trips to the bathroom. But it is my family that has gone through this too. And my huge support system of friends and family that have prayed for me, brought my family food, taken my children to practice. And most of all my husband who has been there and cried with me. 

My journey isn't over, but we are getting there. I have to change my mindset now and realize that this is a chronic disease that I have. Much like diabetes or MS. I have to live with it every day and fight to make myself better. I live with the side effects of the meds because that is just how it is. I eat healthier (try to) because this is what is working. 

So keep following me, because I am not done. I have more to do. I will rejoice the day my scans finally say NED (no evidence of disease) But until then, I will keep on going, because there just isn't any other choice. And I will keep singing my song..courteous of Kelly Clarkson..because "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and this cancer definitely has. 

surgery day

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

And a few pics of the last year.....
A bunch of crazy people walking in the rain for me! 
my MOPS ladies! A fun reunion!

my niece Emma in her "Aunt Donna Shirt"
Someone I barely know walking in my honor
my Vegas Family!

Friday, November 2, 2012

9 months

I can't believe it has been nine months since that awful day of my biopsy. Nine months today. It feels so long ago, and yet it feels just like last week. So much has happened in nine months. There have been many ups and downs in these nine months. Good days, bad days, and just days. I now it has been a long while since I have posted anything. and believe me, I have been scolded for this. But life was going on. Summer came and went. School started. I am working (subbing) again. Soccer season is almost over. And now, just like that, it is November. Twenty days until Thanksgiving. 53 days until Christmas. But really, I don't want to think about that. I am focused on November 21. I will have another scan. The last scan I had was promising. The cancer was no longer visible in the chest and neck lymph nodes. But still very prominant in other lymphnodes. I am still going to chemo infusion every three weeks. And, I take my tykerb and femara daily. I have now added aleve to my daily drug intake. My meds are making my joints ache like arthritis. I look like I am 80 every time I get up. Most days I am doing alright. Aside from the fatigue that hits about 7:00 every evening. I get through my days. But with that said, cancer  is overwhelming and I want it to go away. I didn't ask for this. So, why am I the one going through this? Why am I the chosen one? I can ask myself these questions over and over again, but I doubt I will find the answer. I like to just say it is what it is. That has been my motto for many things that have ever gone on in my life. I am not complacent, or in denial. When a hill comes along, I climb it. When a struggle comes along I deal with it. There is no room for a pity party. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments. But they last just long enough for me to get the angst out and then deal with it. Is there any other choice? So, I have done just that..gotten over my moments and keep living life. Keep going to soccer games. Keep taking care of my family. Keep on going.

When I keep on going, I am busy. Busy with life. I didn't think I had much to say. Truth is, I wanted everything I say here to be inspiring. I haven't felt like I had much to say that was inspiring and that others would want to hear. I actually received an email from someone I didn't know. They had been reading my blog and were concerned that I hadn't written in awhile. Then a couple of other emails came. Some calls from some ladies at church. Another card in the mail from someone saying they were thinking of me. Then, I realized, there were more people invested in this, my cancer, than I thought. So, here I am. Back and letting you know how I have been. And all in all, I can say I am doing well...or as well as expected. In fact, to see me, you wouldn't even know anything was wrong. I don't look the part.

Cancer is a funny thing and people expect you to look and be a certain way. You see, I still have my hair. I guess I am the lucky one. And believe me I have heard this many times. "You still have you're hair. You are so lucky." Losing your hair seems to be the mark of cancer. Well, I don't do things normally. So, that's not my mark. I haven't even lost any weight. On the contrary, I am puffy and have awful nails. But my skin is looking good. I have to say it almost makes me feel guilty walking into the infusion center because I just don't look the part. But like "they" say, you can't judge a book by its cover.

Well, I hope to add more posts more often. And thank you everyone for thinking, praying, and worrying about me. It is humbling. I truly know I couldn't be going on without you. And Thank you God for watching over me and my family! Thank you!

"The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
                           Psalm 121:8


Friday, May 25, 2012

Short but Sweet :)

Oh happy day! 

We all know the words to this song...

Oh happy day, Oh happy day
When Jesus washed
Oh when he washed
He washed my sins away
He tought me how
to watch, fight and pray
fight and pray

Oh happy day, Oh happy day
When Jesus washed
Oh when he washed
He washed my sins away
We´ll live rejoicing
ev´ry day, ev´ry day
Oh happy day, Oh happy day
When Jesus washed
Oh when he washed
He washed my sins away

Yes, We all know the words to that song. In my head I am singing the Sister Act version. It is a happy day. 

I went to my oncologist yesterday. Things are promising. Although I have not had a complete scan yet, it appears that my treatment is working! The lymph nodes in my neck and the largest one in my arm pit feel visibly smaller. YAY! So, I will take the endless hot flashes, headache, nausea and tiredness if it means that we are killing this cancer!

I will have a complete PET and CT scan in July. But for now I will lean on this hope! All the fightin' and prayin' is working! Just like Jesus taught me!

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,And with my song I will praise Him. Psalm 28

Thank you Lord, Thank you Jesus, thank you everyone who is praying and fighting with me! Let's keep it up!