Strong?

Cancer is often a disease that lasts a long time. Unfortunately, this is my reality.  When I think back on this, I can't believe it has been over six years since my first diagnosis. I have learned to live with cancer and all that it entails. It has become a part of my every day life. I am a cancer patient. But I like to think that cancer doesn't have me. Yes it has driven my schedule as of late. And that is the odd part. Every plan my family makes needs to be scheduled around treatment days and the following sick days. Even when I finish these rounds of the "hard" chemo, I will still go back to my regular meds, my infusion of Herceptin,every three weeks. IT will still be driving my schedule.

So, how is this treatment?? Treatment so far is going as expected, so I am told. I have had 3/6 rounds. I am half way through. I receive Taxotere, carboplatin, herceptin, perjeta and a steroid dexamethosone. All these meds come with some pretty fun side effects...NOT! Treatment day I feel ok- tired but still normal. Day 2- headache, but can still function. I do come home with an on body injector of Neulasta, a med to help boost my blood cell count (it works!) I take it off 27 hrs after they put it on and meds are done.  Day 3- feeling worse vomiting, etc. I will skip details. .Day 4-7- just feel bleh, bleh, bleh. I never knew true fatigue and nausea until now.  It is a lot like morning sickness, but worse. Some days it is hard to function at all. I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep. And I have. And I have cried and asked why???  Also, my hands and lips are a bit numb on days 3-7 and one med makes me a bit dizzy. I can't taste food; my tastebuds are like when you burn your tongue on a hot latte! I have lost my hair and wear my wig out and about. But again, I live with it and know this too shall pass. And, it does! A week after I am beginning to feel normal again and can function. It is so weird how the body works. I have been able to go back to work after a week and function pretty normally, except for the fatigue that comes in the evening. No doubt because I work with 6 and 7 year olds all day. (They are busy!) But I love what I do and know that I need them as much as they need me. I do wear my wig to work. I am not ready for them to see me without hair.

People say to me"You are so strong.", "I admire your strength." etc. I have a hard time looking at it like this. I have difficulty thinking that I am stronger than someone else. Strong just is. I do what I have to do. Is there any other choice? I also refuse to give up. Don't get me wrong, the idea does cross my mind. Through this treatment I have had my moments where I feel like I just can't do it. I have cried. I have not wanted to get out of bed. But I do. I guess that is strength. But I am also willing to show my fear.

So, what is strong? I lost my aunt to leukemia yesterday. She was STRONG! She was a strong woman all her life. She was a true matriarch of her family. I was lucky enough to have her live behind me. She was like another mom to me. Losing her has brought on many emotions. It is hard to be going through this and have someone else lose their battle; especially someone you love so much. I know she was strong. She persevered through it all. I went and visited her last week. She wasn't ready to give in. She was still strong; bantering with us, putting my Uncle Jerry in his place when he said something silly to the dr. I am lucky to have been surrounded by many strong women. It is from them I draw my strength I guess.

My son had a classmate lose him mom just weeks ago to breast cancer. She was 42. I wish I had answers to why this happens. This mom was STRONG too! But it does make you think, why am I more worthy of life? There is no reason. I still like to believe it is what it is. And I know that I have a support system that is so great that nothing will stop me.

However, I must be honest, even amidst a loving family or a wonderful support system, cancer is lonely. Very lonely. No matter how strong and deep your support system, cancer is a journey that is taken alone. A journey I never wanted to take in the first place. But I also know that I can not go it alone and my support system means EVERYTHING to me! I feel the prayers and LOVE! And I know it is working!

So I am I strong?? Yes. I have strength. I gain this from family, friends, my entire support system and my faith. A favorite verse comes from Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will not be faint."

Thank you all for taking this journey with me and being my strength when I do feel weak. I love you all!

Me and Margo...my wig!

Bald is BEAUTIFUL!
(But you won't see me out like this!)