Sunday, August 12, 2018

Next steps.....

So, I'm done. 6 rounds finished. 6 rounds of hard drugs that left me nauseous, fatigued, weak and bald! However, this doesn't mean it is over. Cancer isn't cut and dry and if you have never had it or been close to someone going through treatment you may not know the complex nature of treatment. First, everyone's treatment plan is different. From the start, my treatment plan has been much different than others' treatment. There are so many factors to consider; progression, stage, where it is located, history, etc. I happen to have a history. This alone makes my plan different than others. So, with that said, "What is next?"

I have finished my 6 rounds of TCHP- Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin, and Purjeta. This was my plan for these 6 rounds. However, in three weeks I go right back to just getting my Herceptin. My drive to OHSU every three weeks continues. There is a tradition in many treatment centers that a patient rings a bell when they are finished with their chemo. I have never got to ring a bell. In fact, the part of OHSU I go to doesn't have a bell. Because, unfortunately many of us there will be visiting for a LONG time. So, I go back to my original treatment plan for my 1st cancer, my metastatic breast cancer that is estrogen positive. But believe me, I welcome that treatment over the full TCHP.  Herceptin alone comes with many fewer side effects. 

Surgery + Radiation- On August 23rd I meet with my surgical oncologist and radiation oncologist to decide which surgery we will be doing. I have many ask me if I will have a full mastectomy this time. Realistically, probably not. "Why not?" Well, when deciding my treatment, my doctors still go back to my original diagnosis from 2012- Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer. When you are metastatic, cancer cells have already spread into my whole body. They have left the initial site. Surgery may not get rid of the initial cancer cells that I still have. There is still the chance that cancer can come back anywhere. This is when they tell me that a mastectomy is not technically "medically necessary." Peace of mind for me, definitely! But not a mark of survival rate. So, realistically, I will have whatever is left of the current lump removed (Lumpectomy) and then radiation at the site. Again, I will know more on August 23rd. In the mean time, life goes on.

Life does go on. I have written about this before. You find a new normal; a tired, exhausting normal. Unfortunately, the normal this summer hasn't been all fun. Sick every three weeks with a few good days in between treatment. Those days of which I have taken full advantage of....A trip to NYC with my husband and a trip to the San Juan Islands with family. Ally did driver's ed. Evan has had soccer. Justin and Nick have gone to work and I have tried to relax on the good days. Here's to next summer being more of summer!

School starts in just a few weeks. So, now that my last treatment is done, that is where I begin to focus. I am actually a bit excited. It is always nice to get back on a schedule. I am excited to meet my new class and have fun teaching little minds. That is my happy...along with family and friends of course. 

So, I'm finished. But, not finished. 

That's all for now. I just wanted to give you an update. Thank you everyone for your continued support, meals, prayers and everything else! It means the world to me!


Image may contain: 5 people, including Nick Underland, people smiling, people sitting, tree, outdoor and nature

Monday, June 11, 2018

Strong?

Cancer is often a disease that lasts a long time. Unfortunately, this is my reality.  When I think back on this, I can't believe it has been over six years since my first diagnosis. I have learned to live with cancer and all that it entails. It has become a part of my every day life. I am a cancer patient. But I like to think that cancer doesn't have me. Yes it has driven my schedule as of late. And that is the odd part. Every plan my family makes needs to be scheduled around treatment days and the following sick days. Even when I finish these rounds of the "hard" chemo, I will still go back to my regular meds, my infusion of Herceptin,every three weeks. IT will still be driving my schedule.

So, how is this treatment?? Treatment so far is going as expected, so I am told. I have had 3/6 rounds. I am half way through. I receive Taxotere, carboplatin, herceptin, perjeta and a steroid dexamethosone. All these meds come with some pretty fun side effects...NOT! Treatment day I feel ok- tired but still normal. Day 2- headache, but can still function. I do come home with an on body injector of Neulasta, a med to help boost my blood cell count (it works!) I take it off 27 hrs after they put it on and meds are done.  Day 3- feeling worse vomiting, etc. I will skip details. .Day 4-7- just feel bleh, bleh, bleh. I never knew true fatigue and nausea until now.  It is a lot like morning sickness, but worse. Some days it is hard to function at all. I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep. And I have. And I have cried and asked why???  Also, my hands and lips are a bit numb on days 3-7 and one med makes me a bit dizzy. I can't taste food; my tastebuds are like when you burn your tongue on a hot latte! I have lost my hair and wear my wig out and about. But again, I live with it and know this too shall pass. And, it does! A week after I am beginning to feel normal again and can function. It is so weird how the body works. I have been able to go back to work after a week and function pretty normally, except for the fatigue that comes in the evening. No doubt because I work with 6 and 7 year olds all day. (They are busy!) But I love what I do and know that I need them as much as they need me. I do wear my wig to work. I am not ready for them to see me without hair.

People say to me"You are so strong.", "I admire your strength." etc. I have a hard time looking at it like this. I have difficulty thinking that I am stronger than someone else. Strong just is. I do what I have to do. Is there any other choice? I also refuse to give up. Don't get me wrong, the idea does cross my mind. Through this treatment I have had my moments where I feel like I just can't do it. I have cried. I have not wanted to get out of bed. But I do. I guess that is strength. But I am also willing to show my fear.

So, what is strong? I lost my aunt to leukemia yesterday. She was STRONG! She was a strong woman all her life. She was a true matriarch of her family. I was lucky enough to have her live behind me. She was like another mom to me. Losing her has brought on many emotions. It is hard to be going through this and have someone else lose their battle; especially someone you love so much. I know she was strong. She persevered through it all. I went and visited her last week. She wasn't ready to give in. She was still strong; bantering with us, putting my Uncle Jerry in his place when he said something silly to the dr. I am lucky to have been surrounded by many strong women. It is from them I draw my strength I guess.

My son had a classmate lose him mom just weeks ago to breast cancer. She was 42. I wish I had answers to why this happens. This mom was STRONG too! But it does make you think, why am I more worthy of life? There is no reason. I still like to believe it is what it is. And I know that I have a support system that is so great that nothing will stop me.

However, I must be honest, even amidst a loving family or a wonderful support system, cancer is lonely. Very lonely. No matter how strong and deep your support system, cancer is a journey that is taken alone. A journey I never wanted to take in the first place. But I also know that I can not go it alone and my support system means EVERYTHING to me! I feel the prayers and LOVE! And I know it is working!

So I am I strong?? Yes. I have strength. I gain this from family, friends, my entire support system and my faith. A favorite verse comes from Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will not be faint."

Thank you all for taking this journey with me and being my strength when I do feel weak. I love you all!

Me and Margo...my wig!

Bald is BEAUTIFUL!
(But you won't see me out like this!)

Thursday, April 12, 2018

The World Turned Upside Down......again

Over spring break Ally and I went to see Hamilton. It was AMAZING! Now I can't stop listening to the soundtrack and singing every song in my head. The one in my head tonight is "Yorktown." (The World Turned Upside Down) And my world has turned upside down today. Because here I go again with a big battle. But in this scenario, I must be Hercules Mulligan because when you knock me down, I get the f**k back up again!

I went to meet my team today to hear what the next steps would be. First let me say, the PET scan did show that the new cancer has not spread. Good news! Really it is. 6 years ago I was told that my PET scan lit up like a Christmas tree. My cancer had spread through my whole body. So to hear this cancer was in one spot felt like a real win. My original cancer was stage 4. This cancer is stage 2. 

Preliminary talks with my oncologist led me to believe that we were going to talk today about possible surgery..a lumpectomy. However, I got way more information than I was prepared for. Nick and I were at OHSU for 6 hours! 6! We met with a surgeon (Dr. Pomier). Same surgeon as first time around. It was like a little reunion. I don't recommend these reunions. We met with radiologist, nurses and my oncologist. Lots of meetings and lots of information..new information
My new cancer appears to be a clone of my original cancer.  It is growing in the same breast.  However some of the markings are different. They are both breast cancer. Both cancers are Her2 positive. (HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2), which promotes the growth of cancer cells.) Anyway, the difference is my first cancer was estrogen receptor positive.  This one is negative for estrogen. Which in a strange way is good because it means that my endocrine or hormone therapy treatment is working and blocking the estrogen cells that fed my previous cancer. That one isn't growing. 

But now for today's surprise.  This new cancer needs to be targeted differently.  So, essentially,  I need to fight 2 cancers at the same time.  

Here is where my world turned upside down. I am in for some hard therapy.  On April 26th I will begin 6 rounds of an intense chemotherapy. Still one day every 3 weeks. But will have 4 drugs delivered. Not the one...or 2 if you count my pills. That will be until August. Then surgery. Then radiation. 

It will be tough. Things will change.  I will change. This is going to be a very different experience than the last 6 years. 

I am still figuring out particulars. That will come and I dont need to figure it out right away. I plan on working some, but taking off the hardest days. It is going to be quite the summer. I will keep you updated. 

Thank you my tribe. Thank you for your love, prayers and support. It means more than you will ever know.

Madonna 

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=%23&ved=0ahUKEwjU1bjIrrbaAhWLqlQKHV3_CZsQwqsBCDMwAg&usg=AOvVaw0VTJzWxrN8ZFOD4xbU2nov    (Caution some foul language)

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Living Life with Cancer

I stumbled upon my blog again because of a Facebook memory. It has been very cathartic re-reading my posts about my journey at the beginning. I am now six years in and I can say I forgot about many of those feelings. I guess it's a lot like child birth, we forget the pain, but remember the joy. And yes there has been joy.
I started this blog 6 years ago to give me an avenue to vent....to share my story. I was good about sharing and then there became not us much to share.....until the last couple of weeks.

On March 19th I went in for my routine CT scan. No big deal. I have had many over the years. It has all become routine. Well, this one had different results. For the first time in almost 6 years,  I did not get a positive result. I have a new 1.5 cm mass that had formed. Why? We don't know. There is so much you can speculate on. So many questions that can circle in my head. Should I have stopped the other medication? Is that why it is back? Should I have done this? That? Why didnt I do this??? Then you tell yourself to STOP! It is what it is. I can't go back and change anything. Everything that was done in my treatment was done because it was right for that moment.

I think deep down I knew that this could come back at some point. I was stage 4, 6 years ago. I killed that cancer. I have already beat so many odds. And now I will again!

Last week, I had a biopsy done and it was confirmed that it is the same cancer. Invasive ductal carcinoma. Further tests will be done to determine what other "markers" there are.  It appears to be only growing in the breast. Near where the original mass was. That is all the CT scan showed. However, next week I will do the routine of 6 years ago....another PET scan to see if it us hiding in lymphnodes around my body. Possible MRI. More biopsies? But PET scan will really drive my treatment. I will meet with "my" cancer team next Thursday, April 12th to know which way we are going.

Through all of this I am "ok." I have nothing but hope that things will be ok. I have so much to fight for. My family! My kids! My job that I love! Life!  How long that will the fight be? I don't know. I have been doing this for 6 years, what's a few more.

As always, please send lots of prayers for healing and prayers for my family. The kids are older now. They understand a lot more.

Thank you my tribe! ♥♥♥


Isaiah 41:10   "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."