Friday, November 2, 2012

9 months

I can't believe it has been nine months since that awful day of my biopsy. Nine months today. It feels so long ago, and yet it feels just like last week. So much has happened in nine months. There have been many ups and downs in these nine months. Good days, bad days, and just days. I now it has been a long while since I have posted anything. and believe me, I have been scolded for this. But life was going on. Summer came and went. School started. I am working (subbing) again. Soccer season is almost over. And now, just like that, it is November. Twenty days until Thanksgiving. 53 days until Christmas. But really, I don't want to think about that. I am focused on November 21. I will have another scan. The last scan I had was promising. The cancer was no longer visible in the chest and neck lymph nodes. But still very prominant in other lymphnodes. I am still going to chemo infusion every three weeks. And, I take my tykerb and femara daily. I have now added aleve to my daily drug intake. My meds are making my joints ache like arthritis. I look like I am 80 every time I get up. Most days I am doing alright. Aside from the fatigue that hits about 7:00 every evening. I get through my days. But with that said, cancer  is overwhelming and I want it to go away. I didn't ask for this. So, why am I the one going through this? Why am I the chosen one? I can ask myself these questions over and over again, but I doubt I will find the answer. I like to just say it is what it is. That has been my motto for many things that have ever gone on in my life. I am not complacent, or in denial. When a hill comes along, I climb it. When a struggle comes along I deal with it. There is no room for a pity party. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments. But they last just long enough for me to get the angst out and then deal with it. Is there any other choice? So, I have done just that..gotten over my moments and keep living life. Keep going to soccer games. Keep taking care of my family. Keep on going.

When I keep on going, I am busy. Busy with life. I didn't think I had much to say. Truth is, I wanted everything I say here to be inspiring. I haven't felt like I had much to say that was inspiring and that others would want to hear. I actually received an email from someone I didn't know. They had been reading my blog and were concerned that I hadn't written in awhile. Then a couple of other emails came. Some calls from some ladies at church. Another card in the mail from someone saying they were thinking of me. Then, I realized, there were more people invested in this, my cancer, than I thought. So, here I am. Back and letting you know how I have been. And all in all, I can say I am doing well...or as well as expected. In fact, to see me, you wouldn't even know anything was wrong. I don't look the part.

Cancer is a funny thing and people expect you to look and be a certain way. You see, I still have my hair. I guess I am the lucky one. And believe me I have heard this many times. "You still have you're hair. You are so lucky." Losing your hair seems to be the mark of cancer. Well, I don't do things normally. So, that's not my mark. I haven't even lost any weight. On the contrary, I am puffy and have awful nails. But my skin is looking good. I have to say it almost makes me feel guilty walking into the infusion center because I just don't look the part. But like "they" say, you can't judge a book by its cover.

Well, I hope to add more posts more often. And thank you everyone for thinking, praying, and worrying about me. It is humbling. I truly know I couldn't be going on without you. And Thank you God for watching over me and my family! Thank you!

"The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
                           Psalm 121:8



  1. Dear Madonna,
    Glad you are posting. Life is pretty sacred and scary, all at the same time. Now and then it just plain SUCKS! Sometimes it seems okay. Other times it's lovely. You are doing what is in front of you and as tough as it is - as you say - "it is what it is!"
    You are doing the BEST that you can do. Remember to be gentle with yourself and to absolutely indulge in tender loving care of YOU! You, my dear, are well worth LOVING, even from the inside out.
    I'm sending LOVE and lots of prayers your way.
    aunt 'Nore

  2. Thanks for the update, still thinking and praying. Nicole Shaw