Monday, February 13, 2012

Twas the night before Valentine's Day,

So, tomorrow is Valentine's Day! The Valentine's are addressed, the BINGO game is ready and I can relax.  Yeah right. I was supposed to go help in Ally's classroom with her Valentine's party. Broke my heart when she started crying when I told her I wasn't going to be able to help. My appointments are already getting in the way of activities. I have an MRI at noon and the PET scan at 2:45. This is the reality I am faced with now. This cancer is going to run my families life. Notice I did not say "ruin" my life..but "run" my life. I am not going to let it "ruin" my life.

One of the hardest things this past week is learning to let go of things and know that it is OK to say NO. This is hard for me. I don't say no. I am a doer. I like to be involved. I feel that things may not go on if I am not involved. I like to know what is going on. That is why I volunteer for activities and I am the "yes girl" for so many things. But I need to learn to say no. I don't want to say no. It ticks me off that this cancer is making me choose and change things that I want to do. I probably won't coach Ally's softball team again this year. How do you throw a softball after a mastectomy? That is my reality. Sure, I don't know my exact course of treatment yet, but truly I will not be able to do this. But, I don't want to tell anyone. And I haven't officially told the team or the league. I don't want to let all those little girls let Ally down. Just another example of how this cancer may "run" my life.

Another thing I hate...I like to have things planned out. I can't do that right now. I seriously have four different calendars that I write in. (and yet I still forget things). But this won't let me plan anything right now. Just doctor appointments. It is so incredibly frustrating. Because truly, I don't know what to expect. Ugh!

Deep down I know schedules will work out and Ally won't hate me for life for not being at her party or coaching her team again. And although I know that I can make it through this, it still sucks. It is becoming more of a reality. I have cancer. I have said it more lately. More people know. But it still sucks. But tomorrow, I will smile because it is a day of love. A day of friendship and a day of caring.
Happy Valentine's Day! I have been saying this to my valentine for 20 years. Yes it really has been that long. Where has the time gone? We have grown up together. I have been with Nick for more than half of my life. And believe me I plan on being with him for many more years.

1 comment:

  1. I can only imagine how hard it is to have something else "run" your life, to have to say no, to have to say I have cancer. But I KNOW you are a very strong woman. And, yes, you will come through this an even stronger woman. So, Happy Valentines Day to you and to your family. The Whites will send lots of love and a ton of prayers your way.
    Kristina W.