Hanging in there

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:17

It has been a nice, long weekend. I have been able to do a lot of thinking, and not thinking and coming to terms with whatever may come my way. I have definitely had a roller coaster of emotions, but I guess that means I have hope. At least that what the books are telling me. 

Nick and I snuck away Saturday for a lunch date in Portland and then ended up at Powell's books. I love this bookstore. It really does have anything you want. I love going to the Rare Books room. I held books in my hand from 1829, 1855, 1932..and many more. Excuse the pun, but I'm sure they all have such a story to tell.

We ended up in the Health section. I was looking for a specific book that my co-cancer conspirator friend recommended, but I ended up finding others that have been pretty helpful and some that I can comfortably read. Mostly I was attracted to the titles "Cancer is a Bitch," "I Am Not My Breast Cancer,"Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer," and Nick's pick "Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips." (He is male...sex generally creeps into his mind.) 

All the books have offered me something already that appeals to my practical, realistic, comical and faithful sides of me. Reading these books I realize I am hopeful. I have always adhered to the mantra "It is what it is." I take what life deals me. Freak out a little bit. Get mad. Stress. Feel hopeless for a bit. And then I think about it and react in a practical way and deal with it. That is how I will look at this cancer too. Yes, I am scared. I am still going to freak out. Ask the questions. Want the answers. But I will also know that I need to just deal with it. 

Anyway. Tomorrow I go back to the doctor for another biopsy on some of the axillary lymph nodes and then meet with the pulmonologist who will do the biopsy of my chest nodes (not the breasts) on Wednesday. It will be another long day at the hospital, but I know there are many more to come. It is odd how it starts to feel normal. Just like when Evan was in the NICU. Going to the hospital every day for that month became easier and easier and I know this will too. 

Thank you for your continued support and prayers. It really does make me feel like I am not going through this alone. 

Below are the lyrics to MercyMe's song Move. I heard it on the way home from church the other day and was very "moved". It has become one of my theme songs.

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I won't stop, I'll keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see your face

[Chorus:]
When life won't play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I can't seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I won't let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move

I've got to hold it steady
Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but won't break
As long as I can see your face

[Chorus]

No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat [x2]

I just might bend but won't break
As long as I can see your face

[Chorus x2]

No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat