Well it has been a few weeks since I last posted. Nothing has happened and so much has happened all at the same time. I'm still here. I am still hanging in there. I have a few more cuts on me. I like to think of them as war wounds. Since this is a battle I am fighting.
I know it has been awhile, 42 days
to be exact, since I have written anything. I don’t really know
why. There is a lot going on in my head, but I just haven’t been
able to get it all out. And although I haven’t written anything
here, I have been able to talk it out and vent with some dear
friends. But I think too, I needed time to just be in my head. I
needed the time to retreat into myself and just think about all that
is going on. I needed “me” time.
I needed time to think. Cancer is
overwhelming. And it is not just the fact that I have a disease in my
body that I could potentially have for a very long time, but
everything that goes along with it is overwhelming too…..the good
and the bad. It is such an emotional roller coaster of everything.
The actual disease, scheduling doctor appointments, going to said
appts, surgery, infusion, recovery, being present for my kids, trying
to just keep moving on in a normal way, the outreach and support from
others, answering every one’s questions and educating them on my
decisions, taking well meant advice, going on with life, going to
sports games, paying bills, new bills, and really just figuring it
all out. It is overwhelming just writing it all.
I know I have a lot of support. That
is very evident. But when I go to the doctor and sit in that room, or
when they poke me for the hundredth time, or when I am talking to the
lady from the utilities trying to explain why the bill will be late,
it is just me. I know that usually someone (Nick) has been physically with me. But it is still me and my cancer. This damn cancer that has
changed my life. I can get mad about it. I can retreat into myself
and wallow for a bit. BUT, I also know that it is what it is. Then, I
snap out of it, and remember that the support of friends and having
God on my side is all I need. But, I still have to remind myself of
that.
I am a giver not a taker. I am the
one who takes the meals and runs the race. So, having everyone do so
much for me lately is hard for me. I am very grateful. Because
honestly everything that has been done…the walk, raffle, auction,
zumbathon, pampered chef parties, reunions, meals, etc. has truly
helped me and my family. And for that I am truly appreciative. It
really is still hard to believe that it is being done for me, but I
have learned to accept the help and I am trying to feel worthy.
So where am I
now in my treatment? Well, I am doing a hormone therapy right now.
(Not hormone replacement) I had surgery April 11th
to remove my ovaries. Why? To stop the flow of estrogen in my body.
My cancer is fed by estrogen, so we are starving this cancer. I have
had three chemo infusions. I take a daily dose of a heavy drug called
Tykerb(lapatanib). And I also take Femara
(letrozole). Another drug to stop the production of estrogen in my
body. I’m going this route right now to try and get the cancer out
of my lymph system and chest wall. Hormone therapy tends to cause
fewer and less severe side effects than traditional chemotherapy. But
it is not without side effects. I am very TIRED. My energy level
drains quickly in the evening. I visit the bathroom a lot for various
reasons. I don’t sleep well. I have hot flashes galore. I have
headaches and sometimes blurry vision. And on and on. Luckily,(and my
rainbow)I have escaped the awful side effects for now. I still have
my hair. Although, I do notice more on my hair brush, and I do not
have the horrible rash that the Tykerb can give you. But I am not
counting it out yet. Other therapies such as radiation and other
chemotherapies are not ruled out. We are just going this route for
now. A surgery for mastectomy is about a year away. So I get to carry
these melons around for a bit longer. I am in this for the long haul.
I have learned a lot these last few
months. I am learning more about the different types of cancer and
just how individual cancer can be. This is more than I ever thought I
would know about breast cancer. Yes, it is overwhelming, and I really do know that I am not
going it alone. I am still in awe of all the support that is there.
But, if I don’t tend to write all that much, it just means I am thinking.
So for now I am going to just keep
on keepin’ on.
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